“Marry and it may go well, but those who marry incorrectly live at home in hell!” – Euripides
Sooner or later you’re going to get over the pickup artist BS and want to settle down with a good woman. When you find her, you’ll eventually wonder, “Should I marry her?”
Now don’t get me wrong. The period of going out and picking up girls and learning how to interact with them, have fun and not get too serious is an essential part of your development as a man and you should, by all means, engage in it until you are good and ready to settle.
After a while, however, you’ll begin to tire of it. It is a hell of a lot of fun while it lasts but ultimately for a man who is trying to build a life it becomes burdensome, a waste of time, energy and resources – the first two of which begin to deplete as you get into your late twenties and early thirties.
I’ve been in both worlds. In my twenties I was in one semi LTR that lasted two years and ended in absolute chaos and I also played the field during my single times. Eventually at twenty-eight I met my wife, and since she ticked all the right boxes decided to make it permanent after a long courtship.
So what can I tell you about how to choose a potential long-term girlfriend? Grab a coffee and kick back, because I have a deep and rich goldmine of experience to share with you in this area.
As always, I learned through my mistakes. I lay them bare here so you don’t have to make them.
My Early Life with Women
All through school I was absolutely, irrevocably f*cking hopeless with women. I was a tall, gangly, socially shy bafoon and I sucked at sports and wore the insecurities and scars that came with being relentlessly bullied between the ages of eight-fourteen by a sadistic little bastard with daddy issues.
G Freedoms early attempts at pleasing a woman involved stealing a pair of his mothers ear-rings and giving them to a girl in the school yard who proceeded to kick him in the shin and flush them down the toilet as well as asking a girl for a kiss and walking away blue and bemused when she said no.
Of course, I was literally a child at this point of my life and I laugh when I think back. I was not a cool operator by any standards.
Then I went to high school. I had a few cool friends in high school and was getting extremely fit towards the end of my third year. I still wasn’t in any way cool and refused to participate in the school rugby team since I could think of better things than waking up at 5am every Saturday AM to go to a rainy field and have overweight farmers run over my head with studded boots.
So I didn’t have access to the top girls because they were reserved for the best rugby players, in an early glimpse into a high school microcosm version of life itself.
Nonetheless, I hooked up with a couple of girls and began to learn how things worked. It was all very awkward, silly and just like every non-natural, full of mistakes, errors, open-mouthed kissing and embarrassing moments.
I also beat the living shit out of the bully who had tormented me through primary school and so gained my first real scrap of self-respect and confidence. He never bothered me again. I didn’t realize it at the time but this was an extremely significant moment in my development as a human being.
As high school drew to a close and life began (I didn’t go to college, determined to be the next Richard Branson and stick it to the man) I began to have more success with the ladies. I was interesting because I had travelled quite a lot having left at 17 to work in Tenerife and backpacked around Australia before my 19th birthday, I was very physically fit having now boxed for five years and kept up the habit of running, and I was also tall and good-looking having reached manhood.
Some of the girls I’d had failures with even began to show interest but I blew them off.
Fast forward through a couple of years in a long-term relationship with an older cougar who taught me things I didn’t even know existed in the bedroom and exposed me to recreational psychedelic drugs and great books, and I’m in Indonesia teaching English. I’m 6ft 3, fit, healthy and relatively rich. Girls are all over me like cheese on pizza. It is insane and being quite shy I’m still introverted and don’t know how to deal with it.
I do what most chumps do and get into a relationship with the first beautiful looking woman I meet. She likes to watch football, play sports and is easy-going. It seems too good to be true and of course it is. Two years later she sits upon my friends penis one night while I’m in another country and the whole thing comes tumbling down. I am absolutely CRUSHED. This is my first true love, and I have just had the rudest awakening of my life!
As with any monumental loss I need to understand what happened and what went wrong. I read The Game. I get angry and start working out a lot, gaining lots of muscle. I start playing the field and ruthlessly dating lots of girls at the same time.
I give them nothing. No time, no emotional investment, no money. I start to open up a little and then find that one of the girls I’m seeing is actually married in another city. This causes me to double down on my “I don’t give one fuck” attitude and I start openly dating multiple girls, telling them all that
other girls exist in my life, which seems to only magnify the intensity of their desire for me.
I am now openly dating four beautiful women. I mean hotties. I have reached the top. I begin to calm down and think about where all of this is headed and the pain of the previous hurt to my pride subsides as I realize it just didn’t matter. Time does its thing. I feel like a boxer who once lost a prize-fight but won the rematch and has since redeemed himself by conquering much bigger, better opponents. I begin to get bored with the same old meet up, drink, have fun, say goodbye. I want some actual return on my investment of time and energy.
Then I meet a nice lady through a friend I trust who is not falling for any bullshit. She calls me out when I try game on her (although she is clearly interested) and she teases me back. She’s smart and funny but doesn’t go out too much. Right from the start she makes it clear to me that she loves kids, wants to be a mum and is a dedicated preschool teacher. She loves her family and comes from the country. She’s also very cute!
I do not fall head over heels in love with her right away. I just like her. She’s cool and she has values I respect. She has very clear boundaries and won’t let me cross them and she won’t let me distract her from what is important to her. I treat her with respect because she deserves it – she has earned it.
Over time our relationship grows and we decide to have a future together. We’re adults, we sit down and have an actual conversation about this. We talk about the future and what we both want and if we can give that to eachother. We get married with the actual goal and aim of building a family. We both take our word seriously and agree that this is a once on a lifetime deal. We take our time and then we go for it.
So here I am today. From getting kicked in the shin and rejected to getting better with girls to falling in love naively with the completely wrong girl for the completely wrong reasons to becoming an angry, bitter and resentful player to finding a good-natured woman who I am actually compatible with to build a family with.
That’s my journey. So what have I learned from it? What can I teach you to help you avoid some of the more disastrous chapters of this story?
The Hard Truths About Love
The first thing you need to know is that love does not exist.
Well, not in the way you are taught to believe.
Hollywood is bullshit and Disney lies. There is no perfect princess, no prince charming and no “special one”.
When you meet someone you like a lot it is simply not enough. There are many factors in making a relationship work and Disney love, which is actually just a stage of intense infatuation, is not one of them. In fact, this can lead to disaster.
So lesson number one – you need more than love/lust. You need to have common interests, you need to have goals and dreams which gel, you need to have similar values and be able to respect and work through your differences. You need, in short, to be two grown adults who are compatible. If you want to marry that girl, you’d better have more thna cute ass and dimples to see you through.
Lesson number two is simple enough – Attraction matters but it isn’t everything. I find my wife to be absolutely gorgeous but I know for a fact this won’t last forever. She’s going to get old and since she’s now heavily pregnant our intimate life has of course slowed down a lot.
There will be ebbs and flows, times of intense lust and passion and times when you just aren’t interested or she isn’t. That’s why you need more than lust and attraction, you need to get along too and your relationship needs to be based on more than bedroom olympics.
Lesson three is this – When it won’t work, it won’t f*cking work! I tried every single thing in my power to keep that girl who ended up cheating on me, but no matter what I did it simply wouldn’t work. I even tried to fly out to see her once before I knew what was going on and the plane was grounded due to snow and I missed my onward connections!
Sometimes there are things beyond your control so it is for your own mental health and wellbeing that you learn outcome independence. That is, you learn to enjoy things while they last but you also learn when to let go. Ironically, being cool in this way will make her want to stay.
Lesson four is one many need to learn – There are an absolute abundance of gorgeous, fun women out there so there’s no need to get hung up on and pissed off when one bounces. There is no need to settle for the champion of the cock-olympics just because she is pretty. Finding the best woman to marry revolves around a lot more than just good looks.
Just let her go, in fact help her pack her bags and call her a cab because as long as you dress sharp, stay in shape and have a decent job you won’t have any problem finding another woman by next week. Hell, some dudes who know this WISH their girl would leave.
Lesson five is that any potential wife needs to have family values. There’s an epidemic disease-spreading through the world that infects certain women and makes them feel “empowered” when they forego having a family and creating life in order to pursue careers and power within the traditional structures men created.
Think about this logically: They forego the power to CREATE LIFE ON EARTH to get a good job, and somehow they think that is an upgrade? They forego the actual divine power of motherhood to climb the corporate ladder and act like men.
It’s sad, and for your own health and wellbeing I advise you to stay far away from any woman who has been infected with these ideas. She will ruin your life. I guarantee you.
Some women can manage both and that’s all good. If she has that ability she has the right to be her best self too. What I am talking about is the kind of women who don’t respect marriage, the husbands traditional role in his own house and the blessing of children. Just. Walk. Away.
Lesson six is that no woman will stay around long-term unless you have a clear vision and are willing to lead her.
My first real girl left me because I was all over the place. I didn’t know what I wanted, where I was going, where we were going. Our relationship was stormy, I didn’t have a real career as such, and I was a typical early twenties ball of unfocused energy.
It will never work out at this stage. You need to be a leader before she will respect you. You need to reach actual manhood before she will want to be your woman.
Lesson seven is that money matters a lot in relationships but it should never be a dealmaker or dealbreaker. One of the reasons my relationship now is successful is because I am getting paid plenty and that gives us options to create the kind of life we want. We can build a nice house, travel, raise our kids in security and not have to worry and fight over stupid spending.
That being said I know for sure if I went broke tomorrow by wife would sit down beside me and say “so what do we do now?” She’s been taught from childhood that marriage is for life and if you break it you are breaking your word to God almighty (her words, not mine).
Money matters, don’t kid yourself, but make sure it isn’t the reason she is with you. You as a man also have the obligation to provide it for your family when that time comes. Start focusing on getting paid and a lot of other areas in your life will come good by default.
The final lesson is this – Have high standards and you will attract a high-quality woman and uphold them when asking, should I marry her?
What makes the difference between me now and me then? I wasn’t confident, I had been starved of female attention early in my life and so I would just settle for the first one who was willing to pay me attention.
It wasn’t until I started making demands from the women in my life and walking away from them if they didn’t live up to those standards that I actually started having success with them. You need to get into this mindset: You are a king and you are looking for a queen. Nothing less than a beautiful woman with good values who is fit to be the mother of your children even if you should die will do.
If she doesn’t match up, next her. Do not waste your time thinking she has potential or she can develop. Don’t take that gamble. If she isn’t already there then there are plenty of other women who are.
If you think this is too harsh be my guest and ignore it. I’ll speak to you in a few years when you’re crying in the comments section that you wish you had listened.
So, Should I Marry Her?
Dating is a ruthless game gentlemen. The Question ”Should I marry her?” needs to be considered very deeply before taking the plunge.
The survival of your very genetic lineage is a stake. It is a world full of competition, enemies, betrayal and all out psychological and sometimes even physical warfare.
Do not take ridiculous chances with people who you do not trust or who don’t fit into your team. Be the best man you can be and develop yourself to the absolute maximum of your current potential and then only settle for a woman who you trust and who has proven herself worthy of a long-term commitment.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with expecting the best. If you settle for less, you will get less.
Oh, and one more thing. What I didn’t know back then that I know now is this: If she kicks you in the shin and flushes your earrings, it means she likes you!
Desire. Decide. Persist.